Thursday, July 17, 2014

Interview with Ron Jockman

Ron Jockman. He’s a writer, painter, genius, and 20/20 visionary.

I recently visited Ron in the Southeast African home he built with his own hands and filled with his own watercolor landscape paintings, and asked him a few questions about the Rockman Chronicles.

ROBYN: First of all, Ron, thank you for allowing me to visit you in your Southeast African home that you built with your own hands and filled with your own watercolor landscape paintings, and thank you for letting me ask you a few questions about the Rockman Chronicles.

JOCKMAN: It’s my pleasure.

ROBYN: The first book in the Rockman Chronicles is clearly the finest work in English literature. The second book is tied for finest, but it’s also the book with the most heart. What does its heart look like?

JOCKMAN: I’ve been asked this one a lot. I always tell people it would be an exact replica of a Tyrannosaurus heart. Those animals are fierce mothers, and like the Tyrannosaurus, I’m very protective of my babies — my books.

ROBYN: Are any of your characters based on people you know? For example, I’ve always wondered if John Rockman is based on your mother.

JOCKMAN: Imagine if my mother and I had a baby; I think that would be pretty close to John Rockman’s epicenter. My mother has done a lot to raise me into a good human. Of course as I spread my metaphorical wings, I take what I’ve learned and apply it to my work. As it stands currently, I embody all that John Rockman stands for. It’s so easy to write for a character like that, because it’s not a far stretch. A character like Maria, for instance, was a little more of a challenge. I haven’t had much contact with women outside of my mother, which is very insightful in itself. I’ve done research at the public library, and I have developed a sixth sense about the female brain. I feel like, as I write more of females in my books, I fulfill any annoying human need to procreate. My mom sometimes says Maria’s my girlfriend. [chuckles] I don’t know about that...

ROBYN: Just how frustrating is it, to be infinitely smarter and more competent than those around you?

JOCKMAN: I find that it’s not really frustrating at all. For instance, I know that, just by looking at you, I’m much smarter than you. I’m the one that’s going to sleep easy tonight. You’re the one that has to live with that, you know?

ROBYN: We see a more vulnerable, damaged, man-kissing side of John Rockman in Cosmic Brain. Did you have to practice being vulnerable, damaged, and man-kissy as research for the book?

JOCKMAN: I am a staunch supporter of equal rights in sexual preference. That being said, I would never, ever kiss a man. I do like to raise awareness of sexually transmitted diseases and their effects on society in my work. You’ll see that in The Cosmic Brain of Corruption. It’s literally oozing out of every orifice, burning with meaning and thought provoking secretion.

ROBYN: Who will play John Rockman in the inevitable movie version of the Rockman chronicles?

JOCKMAN: As I’m sure you’re well aware, Robyn, I create ‘Mind Movie Masterpieces,’ as I call them. There is nothing more powerful than the imagination of a creative person. Unfortunately, not all my readers are creative types, which is fine. It’s my job as the creator to paint a scene, a character, a story so well, that my readers can see a glimpse of what I experience every day. You can’t create a big Hollywood movie that will paint a better masterpiece than that. There is no budget out there that can remotely come close to the scale and intricacy of The Rockman Chronicles. There are no actors alive or dead that could be John Rockman, to the extent that I would believe it. Probably Jon Hamm.

ROBYN: I noticed, reading John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption, that many supposedly great writers have stolen your ideas before you even published them. Just thinking about it makes me red with sympathy rage. How are you planning to take your revenge?

JOCKMAN: I often say, ‘revenge is a dish best served warm’. I can tell you don’t understand... let me explain. By dish, I don’t mean just a plate — I mean the dish has food on it and the food is warm. Good food. Who wants to eat a cold meal on a plate? No one. Not even my enemies. That way they eat the poison I put in it. Next question.

ROBYN: If you were to become a scientist, which field would your Nobel Prizes be in?

JOCKMAN: That’s a good question. What’s your next one?

ROBYN: Do you ever feel like you’ve gone too far, written something too amazing for today’s readers? If so, how do you deal with that?

JOCKMAN: Once I went too far. I was lost in my own head for days. The only way I got out of that cavernous expanse of wonder and danger was following the call of my mother’s voice. She called to me that dinner was ready and I finally snapped out of my mind-prison. I was on my floor, naked, cold, and shivering. Next to me was a single sheet of paper and written upon it was something so deep, so perceptive, so clever, that I had to destroy it and wipe my memory of its contents. Then I went downstairs and had mac’n’cheese.

ROBYN: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would write books that are printed on murdered trees?

JOCKMAN: I don’t believe in paper. That’s why I make eBooks. Trees are nature’s people and we need to respect them. Though, my books will be available in print edition soon, as per fan request.

ROBYN: These alleged twin brothers I’ve heard of, Justin and Mitchell Lucas, what is their pitiful role in the great Ron Jockman empire?

JOCKMAN: This interview is over.

*  *  *

Ron Jockman's latest book, John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption, is available now from Amazon.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Review: John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption



You may remember Ron Jockman (fictional) as the author of the outstanding (but also fictional) John Rockman and the Trials of Galactar. Ron is the creation of brothers Justin and Mitchell Lucas, who decided to one-up the entire parody genre by parodying not just bad books, but the bad authors who write them. In their words, Ron is, “socially inept, selfish, misogynistic, opinionated, and an awful writer.” His id is a tangled yarn-ball of insecurity and pretentiousness, forever pawed at by the drunken kitten of his ego.

And now he’s back with the second book in the Rockman trilogy, John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption. But does Cosmic Brain match the awkward hilarity of Trials of Galactar?

In four words: yes it does… buddy. Cosmic Brain is a witty, observant parody, filled with the same brilliantly bad writing you loved in the previous book.

          Rockman was fifty percent resolve and fifty percent more resolve. He awaited some very personal information from his troubled companion. He was also ten percent sternness.

This time around, Rockman teams up with Niah, a brilliant cyborg cyberneticist whom Rockman is in no way sexually attracted to, even though Niah’s the exact sort of man Rockman would be attracted to, if he was attracted to men (which he certainly isn’t.)  Together, they battle space-chameleons, face their personal space-demons, and are forced—by circumstance alone—to space-kiss each other.

Working against them are a rogue’s gallery of roguish rogues, who do all kinds of roguish things to demonstrate how roguey and undefeatable they are. And then, of course, they get defeated by Rockman. There’s always a bigger fish, you see, and if Rockman was a fish, that fish would be Rockman.

          Rockman was right next to his ear. He whispered into that ear. “You were trained well, but your training is outdated. Always keep up on the things that interest you. Never stop learning.” With that, Rockman sliced Davitt into two equal pieces.

The Lucases’ love of science fiction is clear from their extensive knowledge of bad-author tropes, but Cosmic Brain is not an affectionate parody. Unlike typical science fiction parodies, most of which come from a place of love, Cosmic Brain comes from a place of unrepentant mockery, which I have named Mockghanistan.

If you remember, my one big complaint with Trials of Galactar was that it got a bit mired in Mockghanistan. I wouldn’t say the mire quagged, but there was indeed mire, if only because too much sarcasm becomes wearying. Cosmic Brain, on the other hand, is a much smoother read. I believe this is because Ron Jockman’s various authorial tics are blended and spaced more evenly in this book. Parts of Trials of Galactar felt like an unrelenting onslaught of goofy science, thesaurus-porn, or Rockman-worship. Cosmic Brain mixes up its comedic elements to better effect, giving the reader a rest from one while indulging another.

          Rockman felt like that hook right about then. He felt like a flimsy hook that couldn’t do its job. Rockman didn’t believe in himself anymore and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep himself and the General alive. Also, like these hooks, he was holding onto something heavy: guilt of so many dead lives he couldn’t save. It was pulling at him.
          “Well, there is another way to get back to Wret’s ship…” the General whispered. Rockman spun to General Steven. “What is it?! We need to hurry!” Just then a bang and a slam signified something big was heading down the hall towards the kitchen.
          Rockman was hooked on surviving, so since he was still holding the General by the sweaty-firm hand, he pulled him behind a cabinet that was next to a counter the entire time. He smirked at the hook pun a little bit, even though, overall, the hook analogy was more bad than good.

I can heartily recommend John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption. If you enjoy a good parody, science fiction or otherwise, I think you’ll find it fresh and funny. Cosmic Brain follows the events of Trials of Galactar, but stands well enough on its own, so the books can be enjoyed out of order.

*  *  *

John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption is available in e-book format from Amazon for $2.99. The first book of the trilogy, John Rockman and the Trials of Galactar, is also available from Amazon, at the same price. Sample chapters can be found at those links, and either book can be borrowed for free if you’re an Amazon Prime member.

As always, I receive no holo-commissions or space-kickbacks when you follow those links.

Tomorrow, I have a special treat for you. I’ll be interviewing Ron Jockman himself, live on this blog. Except that it won’t be live and he’s not a real person. Nevertheless, I’m as excited as a Worfen-Torf in Slorfing season.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The Proterozoic Eon, Part 4

Proterozoic Eon Shoreline

It's now 2.1 billion years ago, in the Rhyacian Period of the Proterozoic Eon, and the planet is finally thawing out from the 300 million year ice age triggered by those cyanobacterial bastards.

Things are getting back to normal, here in Toronto. I mean, the land is still a barren desert, devoid of life except for those desert crusts we saw earlier, but at least the coasts are regaining a bit of their sparkle. Let’s take a walk along the beach, shall we?

We can see that the algal mats are back, albeit as a cyanobacteria monoculture and not the beautiful, multicolored ecosystems we saw when we first got here. Ah, but what happens when we look at a water droplet under the cartoon microscope?

Eukaryotes vs Prokaryotes

With the cartoon microscope (which has lower resolution but better clarity than the regular microscope,) we can see that an incredible development has occurred, probably sometime within the past 400 million years. The cell on the right is a prokaryote. These have been around since before we got to the Proterozoic Eon. The cyanobacteria in those algal mats are all prokaryotes.

But the cell on the left is something new. It's a eukaryote, a more complex cell that's larger, with internal structures (called organelles) specialized to particular tasks. You may be tempted to think of them as more evolved than the prokaryotes, but that's your own eukaryotic biases talking. In this time, the eukaryote is nothing but a curious niche organism. Its complexity and size slows down its reproduction cycle, leaving it unable to keep up with the sleeker, more efficiently growing prokaryotes. And all those specialized organelles? No doubt they can be an advantage, but they're also something else that can go wrong. Consequently, these new eukaryotes are more sensitive to heat, cold, and dessication, meaning they can't live in many of the harsh environments that prokaryotes are fine with. So you won't be seeing any eukaryotes colonizing the land, like prokaryotes have. Not for a very long time.

It may seem strange that these, our ancestors, don't hold a special place on planet Earth, but that's just not how evolution works. Evolution isn't striving for complexity. Rather, complexity is more like a byproduct produced as life gropes into unfilled niches.

In the long, long history of life on Earth, complexity has been punished more often than it's been rewarded. Even in modern times, in the golden age of eukaryotes, simple prokaryotic life is far more prevalent than eukaryotes. Prokayrotes may not be as flashy as eukaryotes, but you don't have to go far to find them. Take a close look at your own body, and you'll find a hundred trillion bacteria living in and on it. That's ten times the number of your own eukaryotic cells. So, even inside our own skins, we're still a niche organism.

But these eukaryotes, back here in the Proterozoic? These eukaryotes are gonna make it. They're going to survive—somehow or other—and evolve into even more specialized forms, and their descendants will in turn branch out to become every plant, animal, and fungus on modern-day Earth.

As we place them back into the water—very, very carefully, mind you—we notice strange formations dotting the bacterial mat below the surface. What the hell are those things?

Possible Proterozoic multicellular life

No, they're not the rude artistic endeavors of the cyanobacteria, although that would fit right into the usual habits of those little bastards. These are collections of cells that seem to be forming a sort of multicellular structure. They may be prokaryote or eukaryote. We're not sure, and we can't check, because the cartoon microscope's batteries are dead.

Now, communal living isn't exactly unknown here. The bacterial mats are communities of cells. If not for those pesky eukaryote biases, we might even consider the mats a multicelluar organism. The bacteria in them do exhibit a kind of ad-hoc specialization, exchanging chemical signals and altering their habits to better support the mat. But they can't form the sort of complex structures that eukaryotic cells are uniquely capable of.

But if these formations are made of eukaryotes, and if they're purposefully growing into those complex structure, that would make them the first organized multicellular structures to appear on Earth1. In the modern era, there's hot debate on the subject. We could have settled the matter right here and now, of course, if you'd only remembered to turn the lamp off on the cartoon microscope.

Nice one.

Well, that's the most interesting thing that’s going to happen around here for a while, so maybe we should get back to that Monopoly tournament.

Four monopoly boards

Okay, after four more games of Monopoly, we've wiled away 400 million years. It's now 1.9 to 1.8 billion years ago and something interesting is finally about to happen. You might want to cover your ears.

You hear that deafening shockwave, and feel that wave of superheated air that’s vaporizing your skin? Yeah, that’s the Sudbury Basin impact event. It’s a meteor that just hit Ontario, making an impact crater over a hundred and fifty miles across. That’s bigger than the crater made by the meteor that will finish off the dinosaurs in a couple billion years. The Sudbury impact rivals even even the largest impact in the geological record, which occurred in what will become Africa while we were playing Monopoly. Remember the ash cloud that choked out the sun for a thousand years while you were busy buying up Baltic Avenue? Yeah, that was what that was.

Proterozoic Sudbury Basin Impact

So, yeah. You should definitely put some aloe on that.

This impact occurred so far back that we can't easily estimate the damage it caused to life on Earth, the way we can with later impacts. We don't know how many species it wiped out, and we're not likely to resolve the matter now, since our flesh has been incinerated and our bones buried beneath layers of ash, but I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say this impact was nasty. It probably killed the majority of organisms on Earth, and caused the extinction of uncountable species.

So, more Monopoly?

Over our next few games, the archipelagoes in the Proterozoic sea are going to drift together. The tectonic plate that we’re buried in will run into a bunch of others, and they’ll fuse together along the margins to form one giant plate called Laurentia, or the North American plate. This isn’t just normal continental drift, mind you. Continental plates bounce off each other all the time. This is the formation of a new, much bigger plate, and it will stick together until the modern era. Most of the big continental plates we have today, in fact, will be fusing together from smaller plates within the next few hundred million years. Then all those plates will come together (without permanently fusing) to form a supercontinent called variously Columbia, Nuna, or Hudsonland.

You can watch it all happen here.

But, much like The Eagles, the supercontinent Columbia is going to split up again over our next few games of Monopoly.

Now it’s 1.2 billion years ago, and sex has just been invented.

WELL IT TOOK LONG ENOUGH, DIDN’T IT?

Well, saying sex has just been invented is a little conceited. Bacteria have been having sex for a long time, probably from the very beginning. But they don’t do it the same way we do. They just kind of shoot genes at each other, and if they’re good genes, they tend to stick around. The kind of sex that involves gametes coming together to make a third distinct organism, the kind of sex you’re most likely to regret, is what’s just been invented.

Well, actually there’s a caveat there, too. Because we don’t know if they just now invented it, but this is the earliest we’ve noticed it in the fossil record. And here it is:

First Known Sex

Wait, I don’t think that’s right. Here are the actual pictures of the first known evidence of sex:

Sexy, Sexy Eukaryotes invent sex
From: Butterfield. Bangiomorpha pubescens n. gen., n. sp.: implications
for the evolution of sex, multicellularity, and the Mesoproterozoic/
Neoproterozoic radiation of eukaryotes. Paleobiology v. 26 no. 3 p. 386-404.

Wow, that’s hot. I’m surprised we didn’t have to blur those photographs of primordial sex organs.

Sex is a big deal. Without sex, even multicellular organisms can really only clone themselves, budding off little packets of cells to float away and form a genetically identical organism somewhere else. But with sex, you can blend your genes with someone else’s—preferably someone cool. No, really. That really is one of the primary advantages of sexual reproduction: you can pick someone with awesome genes, which will help carry the slack of your crappy genes. And, while these early multicelled eukaryotes couldn’t exactly pick and choose their partners—it was pretty much down to whoever’s gametes happened to float past—they at least got a partner who was a proven survivor.

Are proterozoic lifeforms ready for sex, though? Or will this entire eon turn into one big cautionary tale? We'll find out next time...

***

If you liked this article, check out the other Proterozoic and general science articles at our handy Archives.

Citations and References
  1. El Albani, et al. Large Colonial Organisms with Coordinated Growth in Oxygenated Environments 2.1 Gry ago. Nature 466, 100-104 (01 July 2010)

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane in "The Forbidden Box From Krypton"

Hey, have you ever wished that Lois Lane would become an incredibly dorky superhero as part of a hamfisted cautionary tale with no conceivable application to the real world?

You have? Wow, that's fortunate, because in this edition of Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane, that's exactly what happens.

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: Splash page

In “The Forbidden Box from Krypton,” Lois receives a mysterious box discovered by an archeologist working in Smallville. The archeologist, one Professor Jones… Wait, what? A mysterious box from Professor Jones the archeologist?

DON’T OPEN IT, LOIS! IT’LL MELT YOUR FACE!

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: Lois's new outfit

Or, not, I guess.

Against the advice of the professor, Lois opens the box. Because, you know, a reckless disregard for common sense has never gotten her into trouble in the past.

Lois finds gloves, a cape, and goggles in the box. She figures this is what a “well-dressed person used to wear ages ago.” Yeah, Lois. I’m sure the ancient Native Americans favored the Neolithic trappings of a cape and a pair of goggles.

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: Lois Superpowers

Lois can't resist trying the ensemble on. "Like any woman," as the caption says. So yeah, Lois has to eat shit from the narrator in her own goddamn comic book. Man, screw the fifties.

Anyway, Lois discovers that her new dork outfit gives her superpowers, so she promptly turns into a complete asshole. I mean, she only has one superpowered role model, and he's an asshole, so it's not very surprising. It reminds me of that one John Mayer song, about fathers treating their daughters well so they’ll grow up to be more fuckable to guys like John Mayer.

You know the one I mean.

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: Lois flies in a window
Remind you of anyone?

After smashing through the window for no particular reason, Lois goes to work and accidentally breaks her typewriter with her superstrength. While Perry White is having an aneurism over it, Lois notices a robbery with her x-ray vision. Of course, the health effects of the goggle x-ray vision are entirely unknown. Half of Metropolis may have cancer now.

Lois foils the robbery, but Superman sees it and thinks she's in trouble, which is usually a pretty safe bet. He swoops in to save her but, instead of thanking him for his thoughtfulness, she gets huffy and brags about her new superpowers.

So in the course of a few hours, Lois has turned into a total jerk. Again I say, look to the teacher, not the student. "Supermans be good to your Lois Lanes / Lois Lanes will fight crime like you do."

Superman gets pretty huffy himself, however, lamenting that Lois may misuse her “dangerous powers.” Yeah. Super-Pot? Meet Wonder-Kettle.

And check out his reaction when Lois scoops him on the robbery story:

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: Scoop Dorkly

That dude is five seconds away from turning around and snapping her neck.

Before he can do it, though, they both notice a ship heading for an iceberg. While Clark plots a way to sneak out, Lois "Scoop" Lane…

Wait, “Scoop” Lane? That’s the superhero name you chose for yourself, Lois? Not “The Reporter,” or “The Watcher,” or “Lois Pain,” or even “Scoops,” which becomes about 400% cooler just by adding the “s”?

Just Scoop?

Okay.

No, no. It’s a great name, Lois. It’s fine.

Lois flies out the window, which Perry has... Well, you just have to see for yourself:

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: To Be Kept Open at all times for Lois Lane

Okay, that's pretty awesome. Can I just say how much I love Perry White right now? Because it's a lot.

In non-Perry news, Clark goes after Lois.

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: Lois' Pretty Little Head

Interesting. Clark was wearing his Superman outfit under his work clothes. Which means that Lois didn’t sneak a peek with her x-ray goggles, or she would have noticed that. In a way, I’m kind of disappointed in her.

Anyway, Scoop Dorkly makes it to the iceberg and proceeds to smash it to bits with her fists. Ah, but one of the flying chunks flies straight up into the air and threatens to crush her on its way back down. Luckily, Superman is there to intervene.

Wait, hold on. Stop the comic! Lois flew through a freaking window earlier. She obviously has some considerable damage resistance, or she’d have sliced herself open. So where does Supes get off, lambasting her over a piece of ice she neglected to notice? It was nice of him to deflect it, just in case, but what right does he have to lecture her about her safety?

The answer is, none. In fact, I bet he knows perfectly well that the ice wouldn't have hurt her. He’s just using it as an excuse to be a dick to Lois again. And since Lois is kind of a dick herself in this story, he has to ramp it up to eleven to stay competitive.

So he follows her around, watching her as she helps get a TNT truck free from the mud.

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: Back of Lois TNT
“It'll blow up back of Lois! And it'll blow up
front of Lois, too! Holy shit, that’s the whole Lois!”

Somehow, while pushing the truck, she manages to dislodge a case of explosives. Now, as careless as Lois is being here, that really seems like a transport issue to me. If you’re shipping TNT that will explode from a ten-foot drop, it behooves you to tie it securely to the goddamn truck.

Superman disagrees, so he visits Lois’ house to check on this mysterious box that she got her dork outfit from. And, of course, he flies straight through Lois’ living room window, smashing it to bits.

Yeah, these two were made for each other.

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: Superman's an asshole

Superman, who's yet again taken over Lois’ comic book, realizes the box is a care package from his father, Jor-El. Jor-El didn’t know his son would have natural superpowers on Earth, so he sent along devices in a second rocket, to give him the exact set of superpowers he coincidentally ended up having.

Sure. Why not?

And, uh, Jor-El didn’t think to send—oh I don't know—another Kryptonian child in this second rocket? He just used it to give goodies to his son? What an asshole. Now we know where Supes gets it.

Superman realizes the Kryptonian inventions, since they're from Krypton, will be nullified by Kyrptonite, just like all Earth technology is rendered unusable by Earth radiation. So he flies into space to locate some kryptonite. Since he can’t touch the stuff himself, he finds an asteroid and hews a giant, bulbous…

Uhhh…

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: penis asteroid
This comic approved by the Comics Code Authority.
But they didn’t look very close, did they?

Moving right along.

Superman finds some kryptonite and leaves it out in the desert. When next we see Lois (remember Lois? It’s supposed to be a comic book about Lois,) she’s using her telescopic vision to... spy on the country, I guess. In the course of her eavesdropping, she spots Superman lying prone in the desert, next to a gigantic chunk of kryptonite.

She flies in and tries to push the kryptonite away, but finds her powers fading, so she has no choice but to drag Superman to safety. But what’s this?

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: Stunt doubles
“You idiots! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!”

It turns out, Superman was a dummy the whole time! Also, that's just an effigy she's dragging away.{badum-tish}

The kryptonite plot convenience has now permanently inactivated Lois’ dork gear, so she’s lost her superpowers for good.

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane in The Forbidden Box from Krypton: Lois Saves Clark

As the story ends, Lois is left thinking that she saved Superman’s life, and Clark is left with that look on his face that says he might kill her at any moment.

So, basically, everyone’s happy.

***

If you enjoyed this, check out my other comic articles in the Archives!

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Buffy's The Master Discovers WebTV

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Master
The Master Discovers WebTV

Date: 9:42pm, March 5th, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: vampires, I guess
Subject: Test

Hello? Zackary set this damn machine up so I can communicate with you, my acolytes, while I am locked in this magical prison. Anyway, I just woke up and I’m goddamn hungry. Someone bring me human cattle to feast upon. Bring me something young and pretty, because food isn’t all about taste, you know. Presentation is also important.

Looking forward to The Harvest, when I will choose a vessel to set me free of my magical prison. Hope you are too.

***

Date: 9:52pm, March 5th, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: Re: Test

So apparently you can’t type “vampires, I guess” into the “to:” line of this infernal machine and expect it to go out to vampires. That's stupider than you, Claw. When I send something to “vampires,” I expect my message to go to vampires, not return to me with some mewling error message, and a pathetic excuse like “address not found.” If it didn’t find the address, it should have kept on looking!

Zackary is sitting behind me,  telling me this “Webteevee” contraption requires very specific commands, because it’s too stupid to follow general orders or take any initiative. Ha! It reminds me of you cretins. Except for you, Darla. You’re the best.

P.S. If someone doesn’t bring me human cattle to feast upon in the next few minutes, I will instruct this machine to hunt you down and incinerate you. Okay, Zackary is telling me that it can’t do that, either. For the record, I’m very disappointed in my internet experience, so far.

***

Date: 4:15am, March 6th, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: chatting

Holy crap, is it 4am already? I’ve been “surfing” the “net” and the time just got away from me.

Did you know there are “chat” “rooms” on the “net” where human cattle congregate to discuss trivial matters that, amid their contemptible little lives, are important to them? I would never sully myself by speaking to these apes face to face, but I can do so using these “chat” “rooms” without exposing myself to their obnoxious presence.

I’ve been “chatting” in a “room” named “#babylon5fans”. I’ve been there for hours, telling them how awful their babylon5s are. I don’t even know what a babylon5 is, but I take exquisite glee in watching their reactions. After I told them I would command my minions to steal all of their precious babylon5s and drain them of their blood, Zackary was worried they’d realize I’m a vampire. So, to cover for my little slip-up, I told them I was a completely different supernatural being: a troll. My deception appears to have worked.

I command all of you to join me in this “chat” “room” so we may torment them together. Be sure to tell them you’re trolls, and not vampires.

***

Date: 7:57pm, March 6th, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: That was glorious

Wow, is it nearly 8 at night already?

Let me congratulate you all on your wonderful performance in the babylon5fans “chat” “room”. I still don’t know what in the infinite hells a babylon5 is, but it’s been a long time since I enjoyed tormenting mortals so much. This “internet” makes evil fun again.

My brilliant “troll” deception has been a stunning success. I even saw several mortal humans taking up the banner of “troll” and going forth to sow what they now call “trolling” all across the “internet.” We’ve started a trend here today, my minions—a trend of “trolling” that may last for days or even weeks.

***

Date: 6:32am, March 7, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: Fresh discoveries

Wow, is it after 6 in the morning already?

Did you know that there’s an entire other side to this contraption? Zackary just showed it to me. There’s a “web” side that has pictures and text, and little blue “links” that you can follow by “clicking.” You can’t chat with the web, and it doesn't respond to your mockery, but there are some very interesting things on it.

For example, I found a site that appears to be a catalogue of naked human cattle. Some of them look quite appetizing, though I haven’t figured out how to have them delivered to my underground prison. Zackary is my “web guru,” so I have him working on it while I go through them all and pick out my favorites.

I also discovered something called the “Simpsons Archive Fan Site”. I do not know who these Simpsons are, but their antics annoy me greatly. Luke, please bring them to me so that I may destroy them personally.

***

Date: 6:32am, March 7, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: Re: Fresh discoveries

Zackary just said that the Simpsons are a “cartoon” and are therefore immune to my wrath.

Let me be clear: NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO MY WRATH (I AM TYPING THIS IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE ZACKARY INFORMS ME THAT IT INDICATES SHOUTING.)

Bring me the Simpsons, so that I may destroy them, or it is you I shall destroy!

P.S. Except you, Darla. Love you.

***

Date: 8:15am, March 7, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: Re: Fresh discoveries

The Simpsons were a huge disappointment. They did not engage in any of the annoying antics for which they are known on the “Simpsons Archive Fan Site.” Mostly, they just begged for their lives in a manner that was neither “hilarious” nor “zany.”  They did not even appear to realize that they were “cartoons.” But Luke assures me that they are indeed the Simpsons, and their “drivers licenses” confirm this.

The baby turned out to be quite tasty. The others I could take or leave.

***

Date: 12:43am, March 8th, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: Holy shit, we missed the harvest

Okay, this one’s on me. We missed The Harvest. That is completely my fault. As much as I’d like to blame you and punish you for your incompetence (except for you, Darla,) I have to admit that I got caught up reading about recent human mythology on Snopes.com and lost track of time.

Oh well. There’s always next century.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Tips for When You Go Camping With Werewolves

MST3K Werewolf Driving Car

It would have been such a nice visit to the woods, if not for them. They came in, they tore your cabin apart, they drank all your beer, and they ripped your belly open to feast upon your delicious entrails.

They're werewolves, and they can ruin any camping trip. But you can protect yourself from these and other feral shapeshifters, if you only follow these handy tips...

Any Port in the Storm (Will Eat Your Lungs)

If some terrifying beast is stalking you through the woods, and you just happen to come across a nice lady who gives you shelter in her cabin—her cabin in the monster-infested woods, where she's all alone, because the rest of the family is “gone for the weekend?”

SHE'S WORKING WITH THE WEREWOLVES, MORON. That’s why the werewolves chased you here in the first place. Did you seriously think they just herded you to the only safe place within a hundred miles by accident? Do you think they're out there, smacking themselves on the forehead and saying, “Oh, woops. We chased our victims right to that helpful lady’s house again. We gotta stop doing that”?

So here's what you do: take her hostage. If you have any qualms about it, just remember that she's only being helpful so her friends can eat you, and you only have to keep her tied up until after the full moon.

Use the Power of the Pack Against Them
Twilight Wolf Jacob "The first thing we'll eat is out own shirts."
"The first thing we'll eat is our own shirts."

Both wolves and humans will shy away from eating an animal they’ve formed an emotional bond with. My grandfather used to illustrate this by telling us about a calf his parents purchased. “Joe,” as the children soon named him, was the only large animal on the farm, and the problem with having only one large animal is that it becomes an attraction. The kids name it, ride on it, and talk to it. And when it came time to slaughter Joe, no one could do it. They had to trade him for the neighbor's cow, "Sally." Sally, holding none of the sentimental attachments of her predecessor, was on the dinner table within an hour.

What does this mean to you?

It means that, if you’re staying with people who might be werewolves, you really want to get on their good side. Laugh at their jokes. Touch them affectionately on the arm while talking. Be a hugger. Oh, and bring them treats. Cook for them at mealtimes, and make snacks in between. Wolves love that shit, and there’s a bonus: if they fill up on snacks before the moon rises, they won't be as hungry.

Just don't let them trade you to the werewolf-infested woods down the road.

A Bunch of Uncategorized Advice Because Shut Up It's Late That's Why
  • You might think there’s no point in running away from a wolf-human hybrid, but you’d be surprised. Werewolves apparently suffer from the same sorts of hip dysplasia that affects larger dogs, as most run barely faster than an ordinary human.
  • Stay away from the wacky caretaker. No, he isn’t a werewolf, but he’ll be werewolf food soon enough, and you don’t want to be near him when that happens.
  • Silver is a terrible material for bullets. A silver bullet is going to deform and break apart when fired from a pistol, let alone a rifle. It’s better (and much easier) to make silver pellets and load them into shotgun shells. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be pellets. In an emergency, you can drop your earrings down the barrel and fire away.
  • It’s okay to confront the werewolves on their own territory, if you’ve been the primary target of their attention so far. History says you'll probably live. If you haven’t been their primary target? If, in fact, you’re basically ancillary to this whole werewolf thing, and only going along as a favor to someone? You will be eaten.
  • Don’t have sex with a werewolf. Seriously, why do I have to say this in almost every goddamn survival guide?
  • The absolute best way to neutralize a werewolf is to create a love triangle involving a vampire.
  • No, it’s not fun to sleep nose-to-anus. Enough said.
  • If there’s a menacing, slavering sound coming from outside your cabin? Don’t leave the freaking cabin! Because—and think hard about this—when was the last time a menacing, slavering sound was connected to something that didn’t want to kill you? I assure you that it’s not Ed McMahon who's slavering outside your window, waiting with a giant novelty check for ten million dollars. Or, if it is, it’s werewolf Ed McMahon, and he’s going to eat you immediately after presenting it.
  • Don’t try to call the police. It never works. At best, the cops will be eaten. At worst, they’ll already be werewolves.
  • Werewolves have very hierarchical power structures. You know what other species forms hierarchical power structures? Human beings. If you can convince the werewolves that you’re a very powerful person—like a politician, CEO, or blogger—they might just respect you enough to leave you alone.
  • Werewolves have a powerful instinct to chase. You can use this to your advantage, if you can get them to chase something else. It may seem silly, but don’t underestimate the power of a ball or a Frisbee. When in doubt, you can also throw money. Werewolves are part human, so you’ll be tempting the most compelling instincts of both species.
 Finally, Listen to the Townies
An American Werewolf in London: Slaughtered Lamb Inbreds
They may be severely inbred, but they know their business.

Hey, here’s an idea, genius. If the folk in town, who by all appearances live in terror of some lurking horror, tell you to stay out of the woods/desert/moors?

DON’T GO THERE.

I mean, sure, those townies seem like superstitious nitwits, but why the hell would you want to wander into a wilderness area, anyway? Even if you weren’t specifically warned against it, even if there weren't any werewolves around, that would be pretty freaking stupid.

Oh, and never drink at a bar whose name is a revealing pun, such as the "Slaughtered Lamb" or the "Rip Your Windpipe Out Saloon". This goes not just for werewolf towns, but for life in general.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

You need art!

Americans (and also lesser peoples) require more art in their lives.

"I know," I hear you saying, "but the only art in my life is this drawing of the treasury building on a ten dollar bill, the eagles on these two quarters, and whatever the hell's on the back of a dime. Roosevelt's houseplants or something. How am I going to get any real art?"

The answer, my friend, is that you already have everything you need to get a sketch commissioned by Emily Camissa, the talented artist who created the banner art for this very website.

Just clutch that $10.60 in your sweaty hand and e-mail emilycamissa@gmail.com. You can also get further details right here.